Humans are complicated. Relationships are hard. Love isn’t enough. 

Happy, healthy relationships require work, communication skills, managing your own reactions, and so much more. 

There are many reasons why relationships struggle and sometimes fail. We often have the best of intentions and yet our attempts to connect fall flat. In many cases, the issue can be distilled down to “communication challenges.” For instance, someone may feel most loved when receiving words of affirmation, while their partner continues to try to give gifts. The gifting partner is trying their best to communicate their love while missing the point that their partner actually hates receiving gifts. It is tough to maintain a solid connection. 

And yet, it is still possible to have a happy and healthy relationship. It will take work. It won’t be perfect. You will still encounter hard times, difficult conversations, and disagreements. That is the nature of human relationships. With the use of relationship skills and tools, you can learn how to navigate the murky waters of human connection. Love isn’t enough. 

What You Can Do

There are a number of skills that can help improve your relationships. For example, I often teach people the art of taking a break in a conversation. Sometimes conversations get heated to the point of no return. There will be a point where you are no longer listening and rather you are desperately trying to be understood. You may scream. Or maybe you withdraw. Regardless of your go-to protective behavior, these conversations are unlikely to lead to the growth, healing, or compromise that you were hoping for. 

“I don’t want to yell and I can feel myself getting angry. Can we pause this conversation for 10 minutes?”

Instead, I strongly encourage people to notice when the heat is starting to rise in a conversation and to act accordingly. When that heat is starting to build, pause. Take a step back. Let your partner know that you need a set amount of time before you return to the conversation. This may sound like “I don’t want to yell and I can feel myself getting angry. Can we pause this conversation for 10 minutes?” Take this as an opportunity to use some self-soothing skills. Then return to that conversation once you are both regulated and comfortable. Don’t be afraid to pause multiple times in a conversation. Just be sure to return to the conversation! 

This is not intended to be a tool to avoid hard conversations. Rather, this is an opportunity to help yourself show up for the conversation that you need to be having. 

Assuming that love is all that it takes to sustain a happy, healthy relationship is setting you up for failure. Love isn’t enough. 

Sometimes self-help resources aren’t enough either. If you are struggling in a relationship and can’t figure out how to move forward, please don’t hesitate to reach out for help.

At Unwritten Endings, we offer individual, couples, and family therapy. Our team of therapists are here to help you learn the skills to heal your relationships!

Author: Alijah Jonah, LMSW
Published by: Andrea Lunn, LMSW

You’re in a relationship and not sure if you’re happy.

You know that you like your partner, or at least you used to, but you are struggling to enjoy their company lately. The thought of couples therapy has crossed your mind. How do you know that it’s time to start couples counseling? Read ahead for the answer to this and other questions you may have.

Short answer: 

If you are considering couples counseling, it’s probably time to give it a shot.

Longer answer: 

All couples go through good and bad times. Some days are easy and feel like magic. Other days, you look at your partner wondering whatever got into you.

For some couples, something happens that throws the relationship out of whack: a new job, a new baby, a parent moving in, etc. This added stress can strain a relationship in ways that it has not been prepared for, changing a previously happy couple into one that argues constantly, or worse, has stopped caring altogether. For other couples, they may not have been truly happy from the start.

Couples therapy is an opportunity to write the next chapter of the story of your relationship.

If reading this made you feel a sense of dread, like maybe your relationship isn’t where you want it to be, it’s time to seriously consider getting signed up for couples counseling.

Questions you may have:

Q: Nothing bad has really happened, we’re just not happy. Is there any hope?

A: Absolutely! A couples therapist can help reignite the love and excitement that originally brought you two together.

Q: Does starting couples therapy mean that we’re destined to break up?

A: Far from it. Couples that are willing to be honest with themselves and reach out for help are already demonstrating the strength that is essential to a long-term relationship. Relationships are hard work. A couples therapist can help guide your effort in a way that nurtures your relationship into what you always dreamed it could be. 

Q: I’ve already decided that I want to leave him. Is couples therapy even worth it?

A: Yes! Seeing a counselor during this time can help ease the tension and smooth the transition. For others, they are 90% sure that they want to leave but there’s still a small part of them that isn’t certain. Couples therapy is the ideal setting to satisfy that 10% of you that is holding onto the hope of a happy and stable relationship.

Unwritten Endings, LLC is currently offering couples therapy services in Howell, MI.

If you’re interested in getting signed up, please reach out to us at (810) 444-2484 or contact us via email.

We look forward to hearing from you!

Author: Alijah Jonah, LMSW
Published by: Andrea Lunn, LMSW