Parenting a teenager is tough. Having a good relationship with your teenager is even tougher.

Throughout my career, I’ve found 5 simple (not necessarily easy though) ways to improve your relationship with your teen.

1. Focus on listening rather than lecturing
As a parent, you are going to disagree with some of your child’s choices. Most teenagers will shut down if you let them know that directly though. Rather, focus on connecting with your child and understanding their point of view. A lot of the choices that teenagers make are quite understandable if you are aware of all of the things that led up to it.

2. Allow natural consequences
Instead of lecturing, you may need to allow your child to experience the natural consequences of their actions. In the parenting world, natural consequences are consequences that occur in response to a behavior without parental influence. A classic example of this occurs when a teenager stays up late. Rather than the parent providing the consequences (e.g. yelling, lecturing, guilt tripping), the teen has to deal with the consequences of being tired all day at school. Natural consequences allow the world and the kid’s choices to be the bad guy.

3. Learn their Love Language
If you aren’t yet familiar with the 5 Love Languages, you have some research to do: https://5lovelanguages.com/. Love Languages can apply to all sorts of relationships, not just romantic ones. Learning what makes your kid feel most loved can provide you with a roadmap to letting them know how much you care.

4. Don’t worry about trying to be cool
Teenagers are rarely impressed by attempts to understand and use their slang. They know who you are and they love you for that. Don’t try to be cool. Confidently be yourself instead.

5. Accept that this may just be how things are for a bit
Adolescence is a tough time for nearly every parent/child relationship. There are developmental tasks of adolescence that interfere with the connection. Sometimes, parents are so eager to improve their relationship with their kid that they end up trying too hard and pushing their teen away with the perceived desperation. Accepting the situation as it is rather than fighting nature can bring peace to all involved.

6. Seek professional help
I’m biased. I know this. I still think that therapy has the potential to benefit most people. Most relationships are more complicated than a quick article on the internet can address. Some parent/child relationships require personalized, tailored recommendations. If you are continuing to struggle to improve your relationship with your child, consider involving a professional.

The therapists at Unwritten Endings have ample experience working with adolescents and parents. Sometimes this looks like conjoint therapy in which both the child and parent are present. Other times, individual therapy is needed to help someone show up for their relationships. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us if you are interested or have any questions!

I sincerely hope that these quick tips can help you improve your connection with your child!

Author: Alijah Jonah, LMSW
Published by: Andrea Lunn, LMSW

Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, is a form of depression that occurs with the changing seasons. SAD is also known as Seasonal Depression. 

It is important to know that most people experience some reduction in energy levels and motivation as we move into winter, especially those of us that live up north. I’ve heard it suggested that humans have an instinct to go into hibernation: our bodies naturally want to eat more and move less to reserve energy to last us through the cold. 

However, people that have struggled with Seasonal Affective Disorder can tell you that it is different from this more universal experience of wanting to slow down. SAD can disrupt your relationships, your work performance or grades, your self-esteem, and so much more. 

If you have seasonal affective disorder, you have mood changes and symptoms of depression, including¹:

• • Sadness, feeling depressed most of the day, almost every day
  • Anxiety
  • Carbohydrate cravings and weight gain
  • Extreme fatigue and lack of energy
  • Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Feeling irritated or agitated
  • Limbs (arms and legs) that feel heavy
  • Loss of interest in usually pleasurable activities, including withdrawing from social activities
  • Sleeping problems (usually oversleeping)
  • Thoughts of death or suicide

Symptoms of SAD typically begin appearing during the autumn months as the weather begins to cool.

How to help yourself

As with all mental health conditions, it is important to rule out a medical cause. In particular, low Vitamin D levels have been found to correlate with the low energy and mood of SAD. I am not recommending that you – the reader – should start self medicating with Vitamin D supplements.

If you are experiencing new or worsening symptoms of depression, it is important to discuss this with your primary care provider or another qualified medical professional. They will discuss options for blood tests, behavioral changes, and other approaches that are tailored to your unique needs. This is especially important if your sleep patterns and appetite have changed, you turn to alcohol for comfort or relaxation, or you feel hopeless or think about suicide².

Many individuals struggling with SAD have benefitted from therapy and have experienced relief from the negative thoughts and feelings associated with depression. The writers at KidsHealth^® propose that therapy  “can ease the isolation or loneliness that people with depression often feel. It can help people understand their condition, and learn what to do to prevent future bouts of seasonal depression³.”

The therapists here at Unwritten Endings are happy to help you navigate this upcoming winter, whether you have a history of SAD or just need someone to talk with. Please don’t hesitate to reach out!

Sources: 

1. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9293-seasonal-depression
2. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20364651
3. https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/sad.html

Author: Alijah Jonah, LMSW
Published by: Andrea Lunn, LMSW

Emotions are tough. Many of us were never taught what to do when experiencing a difficult feeling. Even fewer of us were taught what to do when someone we care about is having big feelings. Many people don’t like to see someone cry because they don’t know what to say or how to react. 

My goal here is to introduce the skill of validation and explain how it can be used to communicate with someone that is emotional. 

Validation is the recognition and acceptance of another person’s internal experience as being valid¹.

When we validate someone’s feelings, we communicate to them that we see them, we understand them, and we accept them in that present moment. 

Critically, validation does not equal blanket acceptance of someone’s behavior or their thinking. It is absolutely possible to understand and accept someone’s emotions while disagreeing with their actions at the same time. 

For example, you may totally understand that your child is frustrated because he lost the game that he was playing, but you do not approve of his choice to hit his cousin in response to the uncomfortable feeling. In this situation, validation would sound like, “Honey, I can see that you are frustrated because you didn’t win. That’s understandable. It’s not okay to take that frustration out on your cousin though.” 

In order to validate someone’s feelings, we must first be able to identify what they are feeling at that moment. I suggest referencing a Feelings Wheel²  to find the correct word to use. It’s also completely okay to just ask someone how they feel. 

Once you have a label for the feeling, the next step is to communicate understanding and acceptance of that feeling. There are many ways to accomplish this. Sometimes it’s as simple as nodding your head or offering a hug. Others may choose the more direct approach of using a validating statement. 

Here are some examples of validating statements: 

• I totally understand feeling disappointed after receiving criticism 
• It’s okay to feel that way 
• I can see why your mom’s words would make you feel so sad 

Oftentimes, when people are upset and confide in you, they aren’t looking for solutions or advice. Rather, they just need someone to hear what they’re saying and to understand their experience. Next time you are near someone that is experiencing big feelings, try validation. 

If you’re interested in learning more about validation, I suggest looking into the six levels of validation³.

Sources:

1. https://psychcentral.com/blog/emotionally-sensitive/2012/02/levels-of-validation#1
2. https://feelingswheel.com
3. https://psychotherapyacademy.org/dbt/six-levels-of-validation

Author: Alijah Jonah, LMSW
Published by: Andrea Lunn, LMSW

We are proud to offer Walk & Talk Therapy at Unwritten Endings! 

Walk & Talk Therapy is a unique practice that combines traditional talk therapy with the physical exercise of walking or playing therapeutic games outdoors, instead of sitting in an office. It gets people moving literally and figuratively!

Sitting down and talking face to face with your therapist can be challenging. Eye contact can feel awkward. Some people struggle to sit still. Going outside and getting moving can make it feel easier to talk and open up. 

The Unwritten Endings’ office has ponds, fields, a basketball court, a tennis court, and a number of peaceful sitting areas within walking distance. 

Personally, I love to use Walk & Talk Therapy as an opportunity to introduce clients to the practice of mindfulness in nature. I encourage people to take a moment to pause by the pond and to tune into their senses. This can be a great time to use the 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique. A moment of mindfulness does wonders for our mood! 

As an added bonus, clients are welcome to bring their dogs to outdoor therapy sessions! 

If you are already a client at Unwritten Endings and are interested in Walk & Talk Therapy, just let your therapist know! We’re happy to get moving ourselves. 

If you are interested in becoming a client at Unwritten Endings please reach out to us! Additional information can be found here on our Contact page. 

Author: Alijah Jonah, LMSW
Published by: Andrea Lunn, LMSW

I end nearly every one of my sessions by saying “take care of yourself!” I imagine that most clients hear this as a friendly farewell rather than the thought out instructions that I intend them to be. 

Self-care is a critical, foundational part of the healing journey. 

Social media has made it so that when most people think of self-care they think of things like bubble baths and manicures. I’m not here to discredit these things as forms of self-care. However, this depiction of self-care is missing the mark.

True self-care looks like caring for yourself as though you are a literal human being that needs tending to (because you are). True self-care shows up in the form of scheduling and attending doctors’ appointments. It can look like making sure that you eat regularly throughout the day and get an adequate amount of sleep. Self-care isn’t always as glamorous as social media likes us to think. 

Here are some (potentially) unconventional ways to take care of yourself: 

• • Clean out your purse
  • Do your laundry 
  • Do your taxes
  • Color in a coloring book 
  • Set a reminder on your phone to take your medication 
  • Listen to your favorite music 
  • Develop a sleep schedule
  • Set and enforce boundaries
  • Cancel plans 
  • Hold yourself accountable

The list of potential self-care activities is endless. Be creative. I invite you to take a moment to reflect on what you actually need at this moment. Maybe it’s as simple as adjusting in your seat or refilling your water bottle. 

I want to address something that I hear from clients all of the time: “I don’t have time for self-care.” I get it. Self-care activities take time. I believe that self-care ought to be prioritized. Sometimes this means that we have to put down a responsibility in order to attend to ourselves. 

Even further though, I’ve work with a lot of parents that have shared how impossible it can feel to find even one responsibility to cut out to open up time for self care. That’s understandable. We lead busy lives. In this situation, I would encourage you to involve your kids in your self care activities. Snuggle with your baby while watching that movie you’ve always wanted to see. Listen to your favorite podcast while driving the kids to school. Go on a family hike. Invite your teenager to do an at home spa day.

Children need to learn about the importance of self-care and how to do it just as much as adults do. Modeling self-care and involving them in it is a perfect way to begin teaching these lessons. 

Some people may benefit from an activity called a Self-Care Assessment, which asks you to think about how frequently, or how well, you are performing various self-care activities. This can simultaneously be a healthy reality-check and an opportunity to learn additional ways to care for yourself. Check it out if you’re interested. 

After all, you are a valuable human being that deserves care. Prove it to yourself. 

Author: Alijah Jonah, LMSW
Published by: Andrea Lunn, LMSW

Grounding is a technique that helps us reorient to the here-and-now, to bring us into the present.

Grounding techniques are particularly useful when you feel overwhelmed, intensely anxious, or dissociated from your environment.

The goal of an exercise like this is to bring you into the present moment. This means moving away from the anxious thoughts about the future and away from depressive thoughts about the past. It means putting down your expectations, your hopes, and your fears. To be grounded is simply to be present in this moment. 

Almost always, we are safe in the present moment. It is healing to our brains and bodies to take a pause and remind ourselves of this fact. I often say to my clients “right here right now you are safe.” 

The “5-4-3-2-1 exercise” is a common sensory awareness grounding exercise that many find to be a helpful tool to relax or to get through difficult moments.

This is my go-to technique for teaching clients how to ground themselves. 

Here’s how you do it:

1. Describe 5 things you see in the room right now
2. Name 4 things you can physically feel right now (e.g. “my feet on the floor”)
3. Name 3 things you hear right now (e.g. “traffic outside”)
4. Name 2 things you can smell right now
5. Name 1 thing you can taste right now (e.g. “toothpaste”)

You will hopefully feel calmer and more at ease by the end of the exercise. Repeat the 5 steps more than once if needed.

Try out the technique in different situations, you may find it works well for insomnia, anxiety, cravings, or for general relaxation.

If you’ve tried self-help techniques like this and are still struggling, please consider reaching out to us. Our highly-skilled therapists are eager to help you find the peace and comfort that you are seeking. 

Click here for a printable version of the 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique

Author: Alijah Jonah, LMSW
Published by: Andrea Lunn, LMSW