Parenting a teenager is tough. Having a good relationship with your teenager is even tougher.
Throughout my career, I’ve found 5 simple (not necessarily easy though) ways to improve your relationship with your teen.
1. Focus on listening rather than lecturing
As a parent, you are going to disagree with some of your child’s choices. Most teenagers will shut down if you let them know that directly though. Rather, focus on connecting with your child and understanding their point of view. A lot of the choices that teenagers make are quite understandable if you are aware of all of the things that led up to it.
2. Allow natural consequences
Instead of lecturing, you may need to allow your child to experience the natural consequences of their actions. In the parenting world, natural consequences are consequences that occur in response to a behavior without parental influence. A classic example of this occurs when a teenager stays up late. Rather than the parent providing the consequences (e.g. yelling, lecturing, guilt tripping), the teen has to deal with the consequences of being tired all day at school. Natural consequences allow the world and the kid’s choices to be the bad guy.
3. Learn their Love Language
If you aren’t yet familiar with the 5 Love Languages, you have some research to do: https://5lovelanguages.com/. Love Languages can apply to all sorts of relationships, not just romantic ones. Learning what makes your kid feel most loved can provide you with a roadmap to letting them know how much you care.
4. Don’t worry about trying to be cool
Teenagers are rarely impressed by attempts to understand and use their slang. They know who you are and they love you for that. Don’t try to be cool. Confidently be yourself instead.
5. Accept that this may just be how things are for a bit
Adolescence is a tough time for nearly every parent/child relationship. There are developmental tasks of adolescence that interfere with the connection. Sometimes, parents are so eager to improve their relationship with their kid that they end up trying too hard and pushing their teen away with the perceived desperation. Accepting the situation as it is rather than fighting nature can bring peace to all involved.
6. Seek professional help
I’m biased. I know this. I still think that therapy has the potential to benefit most people. Most relationships are more complicated than a quick article on the internet can address. Some parent/child relationships require personalized, tailored recommendations. If you are continuing to struggle to improve your relationship with your child, consider involving a professional.
The therapists at Unwritten Endings have ample experience working with adolescents and parents. Sometimes this looks like conjoint therapy in which both the child and parent are present. Other times, individual therapy is needed to help someone show up for their relationships. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us if you are interested or have any questions!
I sincerely hope that these quick tips can help you improve your connection with your child!
