Humans are complicated. Relationships are hard. Love isn’t enough.
Happy, healthy relationships require work, communication skills, managing your own reactions, and so much more.
There are many reasons why relationships struggle and sometimes fail. We often have the best of intentions and yet our attempts to connect fall flat. In many cases, the issue can be distilled down to “communication challenges.” For instance, someone may feel most loved when receiving words of affirmation, while their partner continues to try to give gifts. The gifting partner is trying their best to communicate their love while missing the point that their partner actually hates receiving gifts. It is tough to maintain a solid connection.
And yet, it is still possible to have a happy and healthy relationship. It will take work. It won’t be perfect. You will still encounter hard times, difficult conversations, and disagreements. That is the nature of human relationships. With the use of relationship skills and tools, you can learn how to navigate the murky waters of human connection. Love isn’t enough.
What You Can Do
There are a number of skills that can help improve your relationships. For example, I often teach people the art of taking a break in a conversation. Sometimes conversations get heated to the point of no return. There will be a point where you are no longer listening and rather you are desperately trying to be understood. You may scream. Or maybe you withdraw. Regardless of your go-to protective behavior, these conversations are unlikely to lead to the growth, healing, or compromise that you were hoping for.
“I don’t want to yell and I can feel myself getting angry. Can we pause this conversation for 10 minutes?”
Instead, I strongly encourage people to notice when the heat is starting to rise in a conversation and to act accordingly. When that heat is starting to build, pause. Take a step back. Let your partner know that you need a set amount of time before you return to the conversation. This may sound like “I don’t want to yell and I can feel myself getting angry. Can we pause this conversation for 10 minutes?” Take this as an opportunity to use some self-soothing skills. Then return to that conversation once you are both regulated and comfortable. Don’t be afraid to pause multiple times in a conversation. Just be sure to return to the conversation!
This is not intended to be a tool to avoid hard conversations. Rather, this is an opportunity to help yourself show up for the conversation that you need to be having.
Assuming that love is all that it takes to sustain a happy, healthy relationship is setting you up for failure. Love isn’t enough.
Sometimes self-help resources aren’t enough either. If you are struggling in a relationship and can’t figure out how to move forward, please don’t hesitate to reach out for help.
