Emotions are tough. Many of us were never taught what to do when experiencing a difficult feeling. Even fewer of us were taught what to do when someone we care about is having big feelings. Many people don’t like to see someone cry because they don’t know what to say or how to react.
My goal here is to introduce the skill of validation and explain how it can be used to communicate with someone that is emotional.
Validation is the recognition and acceptance of another person’s internal experience as being valid1.
When we validate someone’s feelings, we communicate to them that we see them, we understand them, and we accept them in that present moment.
Critically, validation does not equal blanket acceptance of someone’s behavior or their thinking. It is absolutely possible to understand and accept someone’s emotions while disagreeing with their actions at the same time.
For example, you may totally understand that your child is frustrated because he lost the game that he was playing, but you do not approve of his choice to hit his cousin in response to the uncomfortable feeling. In this situation, validation would sound like, “Honey, I can see that you are frustrated because you didn’t win. That’s understandable. It’s not okay to take that frustration out on your cousin though.”
In order to validate someone’s feelings, we must first be able to identify what they are feeling at that moment. I suggest referencing a Feelings Wheel2 to find the correct word to use. It’s also completely okay to just ask someone how they feel.
Once you have a label for the feeling, the next step is to communicate understanding and acceptance of that feeling. There are many ways to accomplish this. Sometimes it’s as simple as nodding your head or offering a hug. Others may choose the more direct approach of using a validating statement.
Here are some examples of validating statements:
- I totally understand feeling disappointed after receiving criticism
- It’s okay to feel that way
- I can see why your mom’s words would make you feel so sad
Oftentimes, when people are upset and confide in you, they aren’t looking for solutions or advice. Rather, they just need someone to hear what they’re saying and to understand their experience. Next time you are near someone that is experiencing big feelings, try validation.
If you’re interested in learning more about validation, I suggest looking into the six levels of validation3.
Sources:
- https://psychcentral.com/blog/emotionally-sensitive/2012/02/levels-of-validation#1
- https://feelingswheel.com
- https://psychotherapyacademy.org/dbt/six-levels-of-validation
